Career counseling
Hirata Toshiko
If you are aspiring to be a burglar you must first choose a master, just like
with carpentry. Then you may go live with your master and begin your apprenticeship.
You shall wake in the morning before everyone else, mop the floors before brushing
your teeth, put on sandals and sweep, sprinkle water out front, walk the dog,
and then chop greens in the kitchen. You have thirty seconds to eat, then it’s
weeding the yard, running errands, cleaning the bath, repairing the television.
Drill nails, sell books, hang shelves, cramp a leg.
After three years of living this way, it will finally be time for you to be taught
a couple of things of substance. Vocalization, usage of tools, how to wash gloves,
and much much more. Roughly once a week, if you’ve been a good kid, they
might even take you out into the field.
The best thing, obviously, is to start training before your body is fully formed,
so parents who are serious about having their children become burglars send them
off to apprentice from kindergarten-age. The kids steadily learn their craft there,
and then by the time they are your age have already become full-fledged burglars.
You folks who went glassy-eyed through your primary education, then high school
with your mouth hanging open, all the way through to college – it looks
like you went around the long way. Time for a little regret.
If you wish to become a burglar at this stage in life, your only hope is to join
the Burglary Corporation. Because of its stability and promising future, and the
fact that it is unaffected by economic tides, said corporation has become a very
popular firm indeed. Long gone are those nothin’-better-to-do days where
folks sighed, “Well I guess I’ll become a burglar,” “I
can’t do much else but become a burglar” – it’s now a
complete buyer’s market. All hopefuls will need letters of introduction
or reprimandation er…recommendation from their thesis advisors. Of course
there are examinations and interviews. And aptitude tests, absolutely, oh yes.
New employees will undergo training, and then will receive a post in either Sales,
Accounting, Projects, or Human Resources. Sales is popular because of the potential
to eventually become independent, but of course not everyone can go into Sales
you see. It is reserved for those with exceptional judgement, decisiveness, leadership,
and swiftness. Transfers are possible, and individual requests are taken into
consideration, so don’t be too hasty in writing your resignation letter
even if you get assigned to Human Resources.
Even if you are not recruited right out of college, there’s still hope for
you yet: we also accommodate mid-career employment. Please keep an eye on the
classified section in the paper.
Now let me talk about benefits. As a recreational facility, the company owns a
house by the ocean. The door is locked, so if you’d like to use the house
just go ahead and break in. Of course you may go ahead and steal anything you
wish, but most items of interest have already been taken. Because burglary tends
to attract people with a variety of interests, there are many clubs for you to
choose from, and plenty of activities – cultural clubs such as coin collecting,
magic, model railroads, bottled ships, as well as physical activity clubs like
jogging, boxing, and R/C cars.
The clubs that do fieldwork in residential neighborhoods are very popular. You
can bet their annual retreat is going to take place overseas. We don’t do
work on this trip, but there are many exchange opportunities arranged with our
colleagues abroad. Our friends over in Sydney, Dresden, and Florence are like
brothers to us.
The company operates year-round, 24/7. We have a flex-time policy, and each department
can discuss its own needs and you may report to work as necessary. Three working
days a week, 24 working hours per week, your starting salary is a bit low, but
by the age of thirty we guarantee you 10,000,000 yen.
Translated by Sawako Nakayasu
Hirata Toshiko - Hirata Toshiko (1955) is a prominent Japanese poet and novelist. During the 1980s, she, along with Ito Hiromi, emerged as one of the foremost voices so-called “women’s boom” of poetry. Her poetry is known for its directness and black humor. In the last decade, she has increasingly turned to writing novels, which often feature ordinary people in bizarre circumstances that lead them to question the traditional family system and the spots allotted to them in society.
